Family conflicts, domestic violence, moral harassment… Every family has some kind of problem, more or less. Although it may seem like a happy family, someone is going through a hard time, or they are just living together without communicating. These people come to me with feelings that they can’t talk about with others.
These people are all quite hurt and anxious… It was due to the words or actions of someone in the family. They talk about their painful experiences, and I listen to them and try to be close to them, but I try not to use the word “good” or “bad.”
It is not that I don’t understand the feeling of retaliation, of wanting the person who tormented them to be denounced as the bad guy. But if I start talking about right and wrong, I will lose sight of the essence of the problem. This makes it difficult to solve the problem. By making the other person the bad guy, you are covering up your own responsibility and your own problems.
In most cases, they have been expecting something from someone, only to be betrayed and hurt… and these things have been happening repeatedly. In dialogue with such people, I try to find out why they expected so much from the other person, why they feel hurt when they are betrayed, and what they really wanted to do. I listen to them and try to find the answers not in the other person, but in themselves.
In my conversations with such people, I ask them why they expected so much from the other person, why they feel hurt when they are betrayed, what they really wanted to do… I listen to them and try to find the answers not in the other person, but in themselves.
As the dialogue progresses, the focus shifts from the other person’s problems to one’s own, from the present self to the past self. Eventually, we realize that we are sowing the seeds of various problems in our mind during our growth. At that point, we need to re-grow… Sometimes we have to start rebirthing…
To do so, therapy becomes difficult if there is limited time, space, and the power relationship of therapist and client.
Therefore, I have been providing various supports such as shelters, group workshop, Gourmet nights, Men’s cooking, therapy at Ten-Sho-An, an traditional Japanese house that also offers occupational therapy… Depends on the situation, I can be a mother, a birth mother, an middle-age man next door, a good brother… and so on.
In the end, they get hurt in the family, hang on to the family fantasy to heal the wounds, and then the fantasy collapses and hurts them even more, making them completely blind to happiness… In my therapy, by simulating family experiences that were not available in the past, you will be able to understand, accept, and affirm yourself as you are.
Eventually, instead of blaming others for your problems, you will grow to find your own happiness and be happy without having to rely on anyone else. In this sense, it is possible for any person to be happy… as long as they can interact with different people, be accepted, cared for, and loved… However, there are not many places where such therapy is possible, and I may be the only one in Japan who offers a variety of support beyond perpetrators and victims, men and women.
This kind of therapy… Not everyone will be able to do this, and it is not something that can be done with qualifications or knowledge… Rather, that authority and knowledge is inimical to therapy. It’s not something that can be done with qualifications or knowledge.
Yes, the other day in couples counseling, he was very defensive and unaware that he was defending himself… It was a little painful to see him like that. I imagined that he has been hurt a lot by being controlled by others. I couldn’t help but hope that he would feel better soon… and find happiness one day.
Originally posted on February 18, 2021
English text translated with DeepL (Japanese to English) and checked by Mina.